Foot in mouth disease

I have this not so amazing ability to always say the wrong things at the wrong time. It’s like a curse. I can hear myself say it and regret it at the same time, since it’s obviously offending. And still I can’t help myself. Thankfully it don’t happens as often when sober, but when drunk – I’m walking talking train wreck of insults. At least sometimes. It’s like someone has entered my brain and willfully uninstalled the filters that usually stops me from saying exactly what I think. And I can tell you, it ain’t pretty. I am a pretty ironic person, I see everything with a touch of darkness and constantly comments on everything inside my head. So the problems start when the comments don’t stay inside my head. Suddenly I hear myself whispering not so under my breath about how stupid someone is, or how idiotic that last comment was – and always with a smirk.  What is it about that smirk! It’s like there is an evil, usually more hidden person inside me that just takes every change she gets to come out when my guard is down. And my guard goes all the way down when I drink. And if you add a shitty mood to the cocktail – it’s a recipe for disaster. And I tend to make it worse, trying to explain what I meant and defuse the situation. And eventually just digging my own hole that much deeper. It’s probably why I don’t have so many girlfriends as well. Girls in general don’t like to be told the truth about what you really think about them.

Some may call it my defense mechanism, and maybe it is. But either way I’m known to hay a quirky sense of humor, and irony makes up a great deal of that.  And in all honestly it’s not so handy. The worst is when people is not smart enough to understand that it actually is a form for humor. Then I have to explain both what I mean, and why I offended them. I feel about 20cm tall then.

But the only people I never want to hurt is the people that mean something to me, my closest friends and family. Everyone else is more than welcome to be hopping mad at me or go bat shit crazy. But with my closest, it physically hurts to know they are mad at me. And I keep kicking myself over and over again trying to figure out what good I can do to make amends. I keep nagging and nagging them over and over to insure that everything is ok between us. In all honestly, that probably makes them more angry with me, then the actual insult. There is only one thing I don’t do, and that is apologizing if I feel like I haven’t done anything wrong. I’m too thick headed and stubborn to ever admit to defeat if it isn’t so. Not classy, I know. But it’s the strongest part of my personality, my competitiveness. I’m the worst loser out there, and it’s so bad that I won’t compete in anything serious if I don’t have a chance to win. So the silent treatment does not work well with me if your just a friend. I will never back down!

But what to do about the foot in mouth disease? I don’t know, all I do know is that It has caused me a but load of trouble through the years – and by the looks of it, it’s not going to change anytime soon. Solitude is one solution or duck taping my mouth shut. Other than that, I still have to rely on my friends that know me , to tell  me when it’s time to shut up. Luckily they tend to do just that.