Torn

Today I’m torn, torn between happiness and sadness. Happiness because I’m leaving for a long needed and romantic holiday with my love, sadness because it also marks the end of a chapter. The other part of the twisted sisters and my soul brother are leaving. And I don’t know when I get to see them again. My twisted sister will come back in a moth or two, I know that, but my soul brother. He has to work and stay home, and home is a different country. He has promised me that he will come back, if not for me, then at least for the other twisted sister. Little did he know that he got the two of us for the price of one.  It’s not like I think he’s going to stop talking to me, but it’s not going to be the same. Here he has been living in the street next to me, I have adjusted to seeing and not at least hear his car drive by a couple times a day. Knowing he’s just around the corner if I want to talk to him. Knowing that I most likely will see him at least a couple of times a week.  Either partying or just going into the Zen zone down by the water – not needing to talk that much, just being and hanging. That is not going to be possible when he has left.  I’m going to look for his car every day for weeks, half expecting to see him pull up the road, even though I know he’s not here.

This last three months it’s been like we all have lived sort of parallel lives.  They have been intertwined both in the ups and down. I’m not going to lie, it’s has been like a whirlwind of emotions and episodes. And it feels like the world his halting to stop today. Our chapter with intertwined lives and common drama stops here. It makes me sad. I would have wished they both could have stayed, here right next to me forever. I like having my people close to me.

But the world doesn’t work like that. He has to go, and she is going with him. So when we get home, they are both gone. It’s going to be a huge vacuum in my life, and at whole lot of empty space that used to be dedicated to those two. Don’t get me wrong. I still got my man right here next to me, but I also need my friends – and especially my girlfriends. Since my man doesn’t do drama, I desperately need someone who does, and can tell me what they really think when I’m at my wit’s ends. I know she’s just a phone call or text away, but still she’s not here just up the street.    

And when they do come back, sadly I don’t think it’s going to be the same. The surroundings have changed, the atmosphere the circumstances, everything – even the people. I do hope that we don’t change, that our friendships stay the same. If they don’t, I still will have so many fond memories to look back on and help me remember this special time.  A song, a flashback or a text, can all bring back the exact feelings I had at the time – just as strong as when they actually happened. I don’t know if that is specific for emphats, after all it’s all I know. If it is, it’s the best part of this blessing/curse.

It’s too bad that I’m so lousy at goodbyes; I never get to say what I really want to say. Somehow It’s always much easier to write it down. At least then you can say what you really want without getting the immediate response and reaction thrown back at you. I always fear that people will think I come on to strong, overwhelming them with emotions and feeling – resulting in them turning me down or labeling me as a tad crazy. It’s a protective mechanism maybe, this not being able to tell them how I sincerely feel upfront and in their faces. Either way, writing is a safe place and judge free environment. Just the way I like it.  

And even thou I do look forward to going on holiday with my man, and I know it’s going to be amazing. I wished it didn’t also mark the end of this amazing chapter in my life. But I always knew this couldn’t last forever. I just didn’t anticipate it would come to an end so fast, and that I would feel so underprepared.