Oh those dark and twisted nigths

Sometimes you have a bad day, one of those days where nothing seems to brighten you up no matter what you do. One of those days when you wake up, and just know you should have stayed in bed. And that the only thing that can help you out is to reboot and start over. You know the feeling?

I know it all too well. Yesterday I had one of those days. I spent the whole day on the brink of tears. And I just couldn’t explain why, so I had to keep my guard up all day, making sure no one poked true the armor and actually made me cry. Sometimes it’s the people I’m around that make me feel like that. But not yesterday, yesterday was all me. And when I can’t explain why, there was no obvious reason to feel like that. Nothing especially bad had happened. And when it’s like that I don’t feel like I can tell anyone, cause what is there to talk about when you don’t know.

But the really stressful thing about those dark and twisted days is the nights. I’m able to lock down and keep cool and distant during the day, but when the nights hits – I’m lost. Every single comment, every look, every change in tone, every hint, absolutely everything gets revised, picked apart and analyzed. Analyzed into bits and pieces, analyzed until there is no real meaning to what was really said anymore. And by this point, even though I logically know it’s not true, everything gets interpreted into the worst meaning. And sadly I’m really good on worst case scenarios. I’m able to convince myself into thinking that everything I do is wrong, and that the whole world agrees with me. Like it’s just a matter of time before they find me out. 

The only thing that seems to help is letting the emotions getting an output. For me that is usually watching a sad movie, listening to sad music or read something sad. Or everything all at once. Anything that helps me trigger and release what’s bottled up inside. Basically a good hard sob. But that is only possible when I’m alone. So my next best go to option is nature. Oh sweet old mother nature, who gives me grounding when I can’t ground myself. Nothing soothes me more than being alone outside either by the sea or in the forest. Just walking or thinking and letting my body reset to normal, or at least as close as I can get. I am so lucky to live so close to both sea and forest, that has helped me out so many times.  Solitude is the solution to dark and twisted nights. Or my twisted sister, she get’s me. With her I can let my mind go off the hinges and just say or type what I want without the fear of being judged. I love her for that. It’s amazing knowing I have a backup that I can call when I no longer can handle it myself, and needs someone to tell me to stop overthinking. Someone to insure me I haven’t lost it yet, and tell me what to do. I’m blessed to have people like her in my life.

Brothers

Sometimes in life you come across some special people that touch something deep inside you, that give you an instant connection, a feeling that you are meant to share something amazing in life. Sometimes this person is someone you fall in love with, a true soul mate that you want to share everything with – including your life. These people come around rare enough, but even rarer is a person that might as well be your soul mate but who you just don’t have any sexual connection with. They just give you that warm fuzzy feeling, a feeling of understanding, loyalty, connection, and right out love. You can’t help but love them. Someone that will never leave you or betray you, someone you don’t need to talk to everyday, but still it will feel like yesterday when you do.  When you find someone like this, you know you have found family.

I have been so lucky to find two of these special people on my way, one is my boyfriend the other is my brother.

I have two brothers, one is by blood and one is by soul, both are equally my brothers. I equally love them, I would do anything for them, run to the end of the world or give them a good slap and yell at them if needed. It doesn’t matter if I don’t talk to them for ages, they are still there when I need them – right by my side. So how do you know? How do you know when you find someone like this, and how to you tell someone you think they are on of your soul mates?

With my soul brother, I didn’t at first. I thought he was the most annoying thing I had ever laid my eyes on. He talked to much, he took up space, he didn’t let me pick a fight with him, and most off all I had no attraction to him. So I was less then nice the first time we met. I honestly I didn’t think I was ever to see him again. A stranger visiting for only a few months from a different country. What was the chance of us ever crossing paths again? But faith had more in store for us then I was bargaining for. Coincidences made sure that he took a fancy for my best friend. And as the friend I am, I had to talk to him to make sure he was a nice guy.  

The more we talked, the more I discovered how similar we are. We had the same sayings and thoughts on thing so many times it was a bit scary. It even freaked him out a bit I think. Thankfully we both agreed that nothing could ever happen between us. One shouldn’t confuse the two types of love in life.  And it made it such much easier that we never did. Instead my plan of checking out what kind of guy this was for my friend, I ended up with a deep friendship. Who would have known?

After a while I decided to “adopt” him, this amazing person. That’s how I told him, I told him I now would forever regard him as my brother. It’s a telltale signs of us emphats that we know so strongly and fast when we love someone or not. There is not many people I let come as close as he has come. I feel like I can tell him anything, and he would never shy away. I can’t really explain it, it’s just something I know deep down in my gut. That he is a good guy.

 I’m always all in with the people I let come close. My life is always a whirlwind of emotions, so I can only handle a few people within my comfort zone – only I few I can help at a time. Only a few that I can handle to tap into, and feel their emotions. I have a sneaking feeling he is an emphat as well, they say we tend to draw to each other. But I don’t know, he might not even know it self by this time. All I know is that he is a bit dark and twisted himself. Witch I honestly think is another common in emphats. There is so much emotion to process and handle all the time that I make us a bit dark and twisted. Never quite knowing what is your own feelings and what is someone else’s inferno. The only way to shield oneself is to go cold and distant.

I see so much of myself in him –my soul brother. I makes me want to reach out and tell him his not alone. That I will always be there. Either in physical or psychologically. That is what a true soul mate is, someone that is always there, no matter what. Of course, sometimes you’re wrong about people. But this time I don’t feel I am.

And the fact that I feel absolutely no jealousy towards him now being with my best friend, tells me I was right, it’s the other kind of love – sibling love.