Oh those dark and twisted nigths

Sometimes you have a bad day, one of those days where nothing seems to brighten you up no matter what you do. One of those days when you wake up, and just know you should have stayed in bed. And that the only thing that can help you out is to reboot and start over. You know the feeling?

I know it all too well. Yesterday I had one of those days. I spent the whole day on the brink of tears. And I just couldn’t explain why, so I had to keep my guard up all day, making sure no one poked true the armor and actually made me cry. Sometimes it’s the people I’m around that make me feel like that. But not yesterday, yesterday was all me. And when I can’t explain why, there was no obvious reason to feel like that. Nothing especially bad had happened. And when it’s like that I don’t feel like I can tell anyone, cause what is there to talk about when you don’t know.

But the really stressful thing about those dark and twisted days is the nights. I’m able to lock down and keep cool and distant during the day, but when the nights hits – I’m lost. Every single comment, every look, every change in tone, every hint, absolutely everything gets revised, picked apart and analyzed. Analyzed into bits and pieces, analyzed until there is no real meaning to what was really said anymore. And by this point, even though I logically know it’s not true, everything gets interpreted into the worst meaning. And sadly I’m really good on worst case scenarios. I’m able to convince myself into thinking that everything I do is wrong, and that the whole world agrees with me. Like it’s just a matter of time before they find me out. 

The only thing that seems to help is letting the emotions getting an output. For me that is usually watching a sad movie, listening to sad music or read something sad. Or everything all at once. Anything that helps me trigger and release what’s bottled up inside. Basically a good hard sob. But that is only possible when I’m alone. So my next best go to option is nature. Oh sweet old mother nature, who gives me grounding when I can’t ground myself. Nothing soothes me more than being alone outside either by the sea or in the forest. Just walking or thinking and letting my body reset to normal, or at least as close as I can get. I am so lucky to live so close to both sea and forest, that has helped me out so many times.  Solitude is the solution to dark and twisted nights. Or my twisted sister, she get’s me. With her I can let my mind go off the hinges and just say or type what I want without the fear of being judged. I love her for that. It’s amazing knowing I have a backup that I can call when I no longer can handle it myself, and needs someone to tell me to stop overthinking. Someone to insure me I haven’t lost it yet, and tell me what to do. I’m blessed to have people like her in my life.