To selfish to have children?

There is something so fundamental about the wish to reproduce, something so raw, so basic to a human being that’s it is almost like it is a given that everyone should want to do just that. Yet, there are a whole lot of people who doesn’t due to various causes. Some simply can’t, some doesn’t have the time right now, and some plainly just don’t want to be a parent. And I am all fine with that. What I’m not fine with is the society’s expectations to when one should want to reproduce, and most of all people who tell you all their thoughts they may have on the subject.

I’m at the age where at least my society thinks I should have reproduced a long time ago. I have everything one can need to start a family. I have a stable relationship, a big house, education, we both have safe jobs – god damn it, we even have two station wagons and a dog.  And because of this it seems everybody now has a right to ask me if I’m pregnant every time I so much as mentions being sick, tired or god forbid, has clothes on that makes me look pregnant. I’m so sick of telling people I’m not pregnant – just fat. I find it so offending, the way my life and my body supposedly is everyone’s property when they think I’m pregnant. And just to make it very clear, I’m not the cuddly kind you hug whenever you want to, and my body language is not that difficult to read. I don’t even like people touching me without me knowing them, and not even then is it ok for everyone.

Reading this, I realize I just described myself as an old dog with sore tail that will snap at you if you come to close. Witch to be fair, isn’t so far from the truth.

What all those people who pet my belly and asks me what I wish for (for Christmas then maybe?), doesn’t know – is that we for a fact have been trying to get pregnant for almost 2 years. But I can’t tell them that, I can’t take the pity even though it’s well meant.

And to be perfectly honest, if we had gotten pregnant on the first try, we would probably have a huge problem on our hands, because that would have meant utter mental chaos for me.  I can’t think of anything scarier then being responsible for another human being. I mean, sure the dog turned out fine, but at kid can tell on you if you fuck up. And looking at how dark and twisted I turned out to be, there is a very real possibility that I can pass some of my not so nice quirkiness on. And it’s not just that. I am actually scared of the thought of having a human being on the inside of me like an alien, twirling and spinning, forcing me to pass the control of my body over to somebody else. The control freak aspect of it is maybe the most terrifying. Having to trust seemingly random people who have or have not gone to well renowned schools and had good practice since that. Or god forbid having to rely on my hubby who has not a nursing bone in his body (if it’s in there it’s well hidden).

And there is another thing. A thing so dark and twisted to me, that it has taken me moths to be able to realize it completely or even say it out loud.

 I’m deathly scared of being jealous and/or bitter towards my own children’s accomplishments.   

I am actually so competitive that I can visualize my self being jealous of my own child. Especially if they turn out to being able to accomplish all the goals that I only half made in my life.  It’s a great sorrow for me that I’m now too old to become the world champion or anything like that, in any sport. I beat myself up every time I think about the chance I could have had, if I had stayed persistent true my youth in my sport. I was one of the best in my age group, now I am simply mediocre. And boy, do I hate being mediocre. I always stride towards being the best in what I do when I’m serious about something. I don’t do things halfway. It’s what makes me so damn good at what I do for a living.   But it’s also a curse. I have so much I want to accomplish in my life, so much I want to do, and chance is that it will never happen.  There is a lot I’m willing to let go, but the four major dreams I simply can’t let go.

So since this is a sole wrenching, I’m going to put them down, every single major dream I still have, and explain if not for anybody else but myself, what’s holding me back.

Writing and performing my own songs

-          My anxiety of public humiliation holds me back from even trying to sing in public. I can sing for children, I can sing at parties, I can sing in car’s, but I can’t seem to  find enough courage to sing in front of an audience who is going to critique me. My worst fears would be someone telling me I’m tone-deaf, even though I know that’s not the reality.

I have been told I have a decent singing voice, and I know I am musical. So maybe one day, with a band, on a stage, you’ll see me. Because it’s not so scary in a group, more people to take the blame.

Oh and I have to learn to play the guitar properly first, somehow trumpet doesn’t mix with vocals.

Acting

-          Here also the public humiliation thing is the main factor. That and making myself so vulnerable. It has taken years to build these walls of protection so solid and trustworthy, acting would mean taking them down all at once.  But I honestly think it would be a great relief to do so. If I knew I was good. If I knew I wasn’t going to fall flat on my face, if, if, if.

Moving abroad to England or USA

-          I’m not actually sure if I really want this, or if it’s a form of run and hide tactic of my mind. Because I some days love my life here, but other days I crave the impulses the world can offer. But in order to do so, we would have to root up our entire life here, and I don’t really want to do that either. I couldn’t ask my hubby to do that for me to follow some diffuse dream.

Publishing a book

-          This is the only given that I am going to accomplice in my life. Books are my passion; I have loved them since I was a child. And frankly I don’t read them – I devour them. I read so fast that I am thinking about adding another language to my skills, to slow me down, just to make the books last longer.  And I have so many books in me. So many observations of the world and personas that need to be put down on paper.

But there is one question I can’t shake; does this make me so selfish that I should not have any children?

I do want children. I love seeing my hubby with kids. And I’m good with them. But putting everything in my life on hold, and for how long? Can I ever do anything just for again without the mommy mafia accusing me of being a bad mom? If I want to follow my dreams, can I do so? Does it make me a bad mommy to leave the children behind with their daddy? If I was a guy, I feel like these questions wouldn’t even matter.  

And I’m so scared having a child will change everything between me and my hubby to the extent that we will part. He is a fragile soul, and so am I. Will there be enough room for two fragile souls with needs and a child or two? I don’t want children if it means losing him. He does also want children, but I think he is as scared as me, scared of it driving us apart. We are such a good match, teammates and buddy’s. And if the worst of everything should happen, and we split up, is it legit for me to want him to have main custody?

As I read true this, I realize I have reflected upon every possible outcome should we be blessed with a kid, and we are not even close…….. sometimes I wish I was just a little dumber…..

Highly sensitiv personality or emapth?

I thought I should write something about being a empath or an highly sensitive person. I’m not quite sure what the different is. I fit quite well in both categories. Actually I kind of believe that the accepted term of a highly sensitive personality in physiological circles is in some way the legit form of calling someone an empath. In my mind they are somewhat the same thing. I know many people don’t agree with me on this, but I still choose to see the two as one. I don’t like to put myself in either category.  There is some definitions on what a highly sensitive person is, this is wikipedia’s version:

 "A highly sensitive person (HSP) is a person having the innate trait of high sensitivity (or innate sensitiveness as Carl Gustav Jung originally coined it). According to Elaine N. Aron and colleagues as well as other researchers, highly sensitive people, which would represent about a fifth of the population, process sensory data much more deeply and thoroughly due to a biological difference in their nervous systems. This is a specific trait with key consequences that in the past has often been confused with innate shyness, inhibitedness, innate fearfulness, introversion, and so on. The existence of the trait of innate sensitivity was demonstrated using a test that was shown to have both internal and external validity."

But here are some telltale signs of being an highly sensitive person, with my description on how it works for me under. But remember, what is true for me, may not be true for someone else.  

 

1.       Can you hear things others cannot, especially high-pitched sounds?

 

- I can’t stand high pitch noises, bangs or loud music. Simply having the tv on to loud annoys me. Even worse is if people make repetitive noises, like tapping a pen, picking on something or tapping a foot up and down. I can stand it for a little while, but I cannot ignore it. It creeps up under my skin, building up more and more irritation to the point where I have to make them stop no matter how. It doesn’t even have to be people making the noises, light fixtures or something else that makes to others low key noises, can make me go crazy.  Strangely I love listening to loud music by myself, or in my car. Maybe because music I chose my self focuses my emotions in one direction, and I put it on loud to drown out others sounds. I sometimes even put on specific music, to give myself specific emotions – or to unleash emotions.  But really loud noises actually gives me physical pain, it hurts my ears to the point where I have to cover them. In concerts I always have to wear ear plugs. Funny enough I enjoy target practice at the gun range – but only with hearing protection gear on.   

2.       Do you notice smells that others miss?

 

- Nice smells I don’t seem to pick up better than others, but the not so nice smells. I’m sadly somewhat super tuned to them.  Some perfumes that are subtle don’t cause any problems for me, but really strong smells – they make me flinch.  So needless to say, I don’t visit perfume shops more than necessary.  Tax free shops at airports are my own personal hell sometimes. I don’t especially like strong smells of food either, it depends a little on if I have relation to that food or not.  And body odors, don’t even get me started.  

3.       Do you know what other people need before they ask?

- Oh yes, my intuition is my own special super power. Although I sometimes feel like the perfect waiter, always having on hand what people need being it material stuff or emotional something. I don’t actually think about it, I just know. It like it’s programmed so deep inside, that I don’t actually need to think about it so much. I actually like to challenge myself from time to time, and try and figure out what makes me know. Half the time I’m not able to figure it out. So it open for debate, if it’s just that I’m so freaking good at reading other peoples body language, change in tone and subtle hints in what they say, or that I know because I feel what they feel.  I do know that I overanalyze everything sometimes. I can pick a situation to bits and pieces days – even years after it happened, trying to understand what actually happened and why. I usually end up blaming myself in some way or another

But sometimes it has to be that I know because I feel what they feel. There is no other way for me to explain that I can get an overwhelming sense that someone needs something (like a friend, or cheering up), without even having talked to them in a while.

 

  

4.       Do you notice the flicker on older computer screens or older fluorescent fixtures?
- Flickering lights don’t get to be on for long when I’m around. It bugs me.

 

5.       Do you get “overwhelmed” by joy when you experience great beauty: A beautiful sunset, an incredible musical performance, the smile of your child?

 

-          Absolutely, especially if it catches me of guard. I can catch myself feeling an overwhelming feeling of bliss, and standing there with a goofy smile on my face, without anyone else seeming to notice. Music, tv and movies also does this to me. With my guard down, I have my feelings on the outside – it’s showing on my face like an open book.

 

 

6.       Do you feel threatened or uneasy in large crowds or big cities?

 

- I like going to the city sometimes, but I always feel thankful when I get home that I don’t live in the city.

Too much hassle, too much people, too much input to process. I don’t like going to the mall at busy days either. Shopping before Christmas can turn me into a not so nice stressed out mad woman – all the people and all the nagging.

 

7.       Do you have “emotional radar” that picks up on what others are feeling?

 

- Ever heard about the elephant in the room? I pick up on it every time there is an elephant there.  Doesn’t matter if it has been an argument, a secret or something else that has evoked some great emotions – I know.  And the feelings – it’s the same as the intuition.  But I absolutly hate figthing with people, the anger and bad feelings in the room make me sick. So I tend to do everything I can to make things right again.

 

8. Do you pick up physical symptoms from other people?

-  This doesn’t happen to me very often. But when it does, I’m baffled. Someone has told me I have unused healing powers, I don’t know about that but something fishy happens sometimes.

 

9.       Does reading or hearing about bad news have a dramatic impact on your mood?

-  I’m a news junkie. I have to know what’s going on in the world and it worries me greatly. When things get to overwhelming I have to stop reading about it. For example I can’t cope with wars, disasters and accidents that involve many people. I read the headlines and maybe look at the pictures, but I don’t read the text. It don’t know why I can’t after a while, but it’s like my body is telling me it’s enough. 

10. If you see a bad car accident does it affect you for the entire day?
- Check! Plus I try to decipher what happened, the mechanisms. Strangely I enjoy watching shows about accidents and emergencies, but only in order to understand what’s caused it. In some way it gives me peace to understand.  

 

11.   Have you been diagnosed with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and/or do you experience a noticeable drop in your energy and mood during the winter?

-          Every year.

 

12.    Have you ever had a transcendent or mystical experience?
Highly sensitive people are naturally more open to experiences of bliss, ecstasy and spiritual awakening.

 

- This is not something I usually broadcast, but I believe I can sense when there is spirits in the room or building – and if they are good or bad. Sometimes even if they are male or female. And I strongly believe there is something more between heaven and earth then we know. Such as mind over matter, and healing.

 

13.   Do you have a strong reaction when you drink caffeine or when you attempt to stop?

 

- No not actually, not that I know of. Not unless I drink way too much, but that happens to everyone.

 

14.   Do you have food sensitivities or allergies?

 

- It’s miracle I’m not allergic to myself. And I’m so picky on what I eat. Strong tastes are a no go. And I seem to taste things other people don’t.  Vinegar in ketchup par example.

15. Do you have allergies or asthma?
- Yes…..

 

16. Are you a “lightweight?”
- I can’t seem to hold my drink. But I’m an excellent faker.

 

17. Are you sensitive to over-the-counter, prescribed or illegal drugs?
- Yes.

 

18. If you have ever had surgery, did it take longer to recover from the effects of the anesthesia than from the surgery itself?
- Never tried.

 

19. Is being in a calm, peaceful environment very important for you?

- Absolutely, my house needs to be calm without bold colors. My favorite place in the house are the bathroom, sauna or in bed. Calm and stress free places. And I have to be close to nature so that I can seek grounding when I need to unwind.  And I’m a notorious stress cleaner and declutterer, organizing calms me down. It’s something I think both my colleagues and hubby appreciates. Even though he does find it a bit embarrassing when I start organizing shelf’s in shops while we wait in line.   

20. Do you get claustrophobic when you spend too much time indoors?
- Yes, I don’t like it. It makes me restless, irritated and sometimes even a bit mean. But being mean makes ride the guilt train afterwards.

 

21. Is it important for you to spend time alone?

- It’s mandatory. I need my alone time every day. It makes me uneasy if I don’t get it. Doesn’t really matter what I do, as long as I’m by myself and don’t have to talk to anyone. I need to sort my head out, and not at least all the input. Night time is the best part of the day – the world is quiet. Working out also gives me time to stress down and get my head on straight.

22. Do you experience dramatic mood swings, sometimes for no apparent reason?

- Happens all the time. It doesn’t scare me most of the time. Only time it freaked me out was when I tapped into a really high person (bi polar) and suddenly became as high and uneasy. Let’s just say that working in psychiatric wards wasn’t my thing.

23. Do you know when people are lying to you?
- I feel like a walking talking lie detector sometimes. I also sense when people are hiding something. I can’t always explain why I feel like they are lying or hiding something, I just know something is off. And I see the world in a kind of black or white (with some greyish zones), either I like you or I don’t. And if I feel like you are hiding something, you get on my shit list. I don’t like when people do me wrong either, or someone I love. If you do that, I won’t trust you for a long time.

I you wonder if you are a highly sensitiv person or an empath - here are some more to read.  

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/roya-r-rad-ma-psyd/highly-sensitive-people_b_1286508.html

http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm

http://www.empathtest.com/

I score high in both tested on HSP and empath - so maybe I'm both? I don't know......