Sex is the
most necessary thing in a relationship, and the thing it’s the most controversy
about. And no doubt the thing that causes most of the fights in relationships. If
it’s good, everything else tends to be good. But if it’s bad, everything else
falls apart.
So why is
it so hard to talk about?
Why is it
that I can’t just tell my man what I really want? Especially when you consider
the fact that I can easily tell my girlfriends, and I sort of expect it’s the same
for the guys.
But why? Why
am I embarrassed about my own sexuality? Is it society that has hammered its
norms about what a woman is supposed to want into my head unknowingly?
Or is it
myself? Have I lulled myself into a belief that if I tell my better half what I
wan’t , he will leave me? Have I fooled
myself so well that I actually think my needs are so unique that he should make
a run for it? Am I really that shallow
that I think I’m so special?
It’s a lot
of unanswered questions, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to answer them all.
But I do think I’m leaning towards the last one. I’m a bit scared he’ll leave
me, or at least mock me.
Reading
this you must think I have a really obscure fetish that never should see the
light of day. That even in these days of Fifty shades of Gray and Gideon Cross,
I have a secret so dark and so twisted you wouldn’t be able to guess it even if
you tried for years. Sadly no, I don’t.
What I want
is simply the same as most people desire, whether they are in a relationship or
not. It’s as simple and as hard as desire. I want steaming hot desire, passion
and lust. I want someone, preferably him to want me so bad that he can’t control
himself. I want him to push me into walls, pin me with his body and pant whit
desire. I want someone to look at me with hunger in their eyes. I want the
tension that is between two people playing the game, before the first kiss. I
want desperation, and primal needs. Basically I want him to fuck me like a man –
or at least want to do just that. No
mercy, no limits, no prisoners.
And let’s
be honest. Doesn’t everybody what that? Isn’t that why the mommy porn books sell
so well? It feeds into the fantasy that passionate sex is always an option. And
believe me, something happens to the passion in a long time relationship. It goes to sleep, only to occasionally wake up
and make at least me remember what it was like in the beginning. And that
really and truly sucks. So we need an
out – a little pick me up to remind us that were not all boring inside.
For a
person like me with an overly active imagination, I tend to see to this
“problem” by indulging myself in these mommy porn books. Reading them over and
over again, secretly wishing the hubby would read them too and maybe take a few
pointers with him along the way. Not that he is bad, but it can always be
better.
But why is it that I am not able to just tell
him that, that I want him to stop being so considerate every time and just do
what he really wants every once in a while. Maybe it’s the thought and possibility
of him not wanting to do just that, or that he simply doesn’t feel the same
way. It’s a bit scary to put yourself
out there like that, to open yourself up, exposed – raw. It’s actually easier
to do it with someone you aren’t in a relationship with, maybe because their opinion
stops mattering the moment you walk out the door. If they laugh at you, all you
have to do is throw something at them and leave. With your partner, you can’t
do that, not without consequences at least. That’s why it’s so scary to be with
someone, you lay your heart on the line, expose the darkest parts of your
personality and all you can do is hope that you don’t completely scare him or
her away.
